Read Baxter's Column

ON THE EDGE OF COMMON SENSE

by Baxter Black, DVM

THE WILDERNESS WALL

If you’ve been losing sleep at night about the public land,
   Yer not alone. We’re all concerned with changes wrought by man.
The wilderness. To have and hold is what it’s all about
   And we can Save the Wilderness! By keepin’ people out!
 
By Audubon, you know I’m right! It’s humans who befoul
   The habitat of prairie dog, or elk and spotted owl.
A wall. We need a giant wall! At least 15 feet tall!
   A simulated wilderness, man-made, au natural.
 
The next best thing to bein’ there. We’ll call it Wilderworld!
   A place where you can get moosed-out, get badgered, skunked or squirreled!
Immerse yourself in water fowl. Commune with ancient trees.
   And though they seem so real to you, they’re all facsimiles!
 
That’s right, my friends, a Theme Park that’s politically correct.
   “No living thing was sacrificed to build this park for thee.”
Imagine trees with concrete bark beneath a glassed-in dome.
   Stalagmites rise from Cheez Wiz in caves of styrofoam.
 
A carbonated geyser that awaits your beck and call,
   Just put a quarter in the slot and watch the water fall!
See Bullfrogs made of fiberglass and plastic dragons flies
   And get the perfect snapshot ‘cause they never blink their eyes!
 
Ceramic deer and pop up wolves in thrilling life-like scenes!
   See automated leaping fish in bubbling brook machines!
Synthetic birds that lip synch tunes and fly on hidden wires
   While Bambi grazes Astro Turf on tiny rubber tires!
 
And finally, as a final treat, we’ve one last mem’ry planned,
   Our rangers, dressed in chipmunk suits will eat out of your hand!
The tour just takes an hour but, if you don’t want to go
   Just wait in the Museum Shop and buy the video
 
And if you’re still not satisfied, when leaving you can view
   The posh resort, beyond the Wall, we call Camp David Two!
Plus, you’ll be sleepin’ easier ‘cause all the cash you blew
Will help protect the wilderness from folks like me and you!